Jim and Amy Hoping to Adopt: Bumps in the Road

Jim and Amy Hoping to Adopt: Bumps in the Road: " Vacations rarely go as planned. There are usually little bumps, sometimes boulders, in the road that attempt to derail the fun and rel..."

Bumps in the Road

     Vacations rarely go as planned.  There are usually little bumps, sometimes boulders, in the road that attempt to derail the fun and relaxation.  This week Jim and I have been in Denver.  He is here for work.  Me...I'm having a mini vacation before our real vacation next week.  We have definitely had our share of bumps this week....
     Bump #1:   The first bump in our trip was waiting at the airport for the hotel shuttle to pick us up....outside on the curb....in 95 degree weather...for over an hour!  There was a whole group of us waiting and each of us received a different story when we called the hotel. 
     Bump #2:  Our first night in Denver we were given a tiny room with a double bed- yes, ONE DOUBLE BED!  I didn't think there were any hotels left that still used double beds.  Jim and I sleep in a queen size bed at home.  When we were newlyweds I think we had a full size bed.  Trying to sleep in a double bed made for an interesting first night and neither of us got much rest.
     Bump #3:  The hotel we stayed at had a free shuttle that would take you anywhere in a five mile radius.  This was great, except for the fact that it was always going to the airport and was not available to take us.  Most days, this was fine (we didn't mind walking) except for Tuesday when we ended up getting caught in a thunderstorm.  First lighting (did I mention we were walking under large power lines?), then sprinkles, then a downpour...we ended up taking cover in the lobby of a little business and waiting until the worst of the storm had passed.  
     Bump #4:  Today I decided to do our laundry.  Usually I wait until we get home, but since we are going from this mini-vacation into our real vacation, we needed clean clothes.  There was no problem washing the clothes, but the dryers were BOTH out of order.  With all the other "bumps" this week, I just had to laugh.
     Yes, vacations rarely go as planned, but despite the bumps in the road (and maybe even because of them) we had a fun and entertaining week!  In the end, everything worked out.  The hotel shuttle did eventually arrive at the airport.  We were moved to a larger room with a king size bed for the remainder of our stay.  The hotel dried our laundry in one of their commercial dryers.  And the shuttle was available our last night in Denver to take us to one my favorite restaurants- Panera Bread.  The "bumps" in the road were good bonding experiences and we will be telling these stories for some time to come.
     Life also rarely goes as planned.  Our road to parenthood has had it's share of bumps and even a few large boulders.  We could choose to let those "bumps in the road" discourage us.  We could give up and decide the pain isn't worth it.  But we would be missing out, not only on our final destination (parenthood), but also on the many bonding moments along the way.  In the end all of our experiences, even the bumps, will become part of the story of how our baby came to us!  And that will be a story worth telling!!!




Here we are at one of my favorite restaurants- still smiling!



Production, Not Reproduction | A blog about open adoption & host of Open Adoption Bloggers: Open Adoption Roundtable #27

Production, Not Reproduction A blog about open adoption & host of Open Adoption Bloggers: Open Adoption Roundtable #27

The Weekend Intensive

     Recently I joined Open Adoption Bloggers.  It is a group of online bloggers from all walks of the open adoption process- adoptive parents, birthparents, waiting families etc.  From time to time they have a online roundtable discussion and this month's topic is "first meetings".  I've enjoyed taking a little time this afternoon to scroll through the other blog posts- most have been touching stories of the first moment the adoptive parents saw their new baby.  Sweet, precious stories, and yes I'll admit it, a few brought tears to my eyes (especially the couple who picked up their new baby girl at Starbucks!





Our adoption agency, Independent Adoption Center- Pleasant Hill

      Since we are in the waiting process and still anxiously looking forward to that first meeting, I thought I'd take a totally different approach and talk about our first meeting with our agency- The Weekend Intensive.  Technically we "met" our agency for the first time at an informational meeting a few months earlier, but this is the meeting that truly began our relationship with the IAC.  The Weekend Intensive is definitely appropriately named.  It is a weekend to jumpstart the homestudy process that includes interviews, a class on adoptive parenting, lots of information and lots and lots of paperwork.  It's hard to truly compare the experience to other first meetings, but there are aspects of a first date, job interview, and summer crash college course. 



Jim in front of the IAC

      First Date:  We were so nervous!  I don't think either of us got much sleep the night before.  Jim usually doesn't get nervous so the fact that he was nervous made me even more nervous.  I labored over what we should wear- something not too dressy and not too casual.   Checked and double-checked my hair and make-up and tried to eat some breakfast.  That didn't go over too well.  It just added rocks to the butterflies flying around in my stomach.  We arrived really early, so we sat in the car holding each other's clammy hands and took a moment to breathe and pray.  Finally, when we thought we were in the "appropriately early" range, we went in and were taken back to a conference room to wait.  Of course we were the first couple there!  At first the wait was excrutiating, but slowly other couples and singles began to come in (looking just as nervous as we were) and we finally relaxed- a little.



Amy by the pond in the courtyard during one of the breaks

      Crash Course:  My husband used to take something called J-terms when he was in Seminary.  It was a course taught during one of the breaks (January, June, or July).  Basically, the idea was that a whole semester course would be jammed into three weeks.  The Weekend Intensive is the J-term of the adoption process.  At the beginning of the weekend we received a two inch binder filled with information on all sorts of topics:  how to write a birthmother letter, requirements for photos and website design, ideas for networking, guidelines for the homestudy visit, various articles on the adoption process and raising adoptive children, how to pay for your adoption etc.  Some may have felt intimidated by the binder, we actually took comfort from it.  We knew there was no way we would be able to remember everything we learned over the weekend, so having a reference to take home with us was invaluable.  And although our brains felt fried by the end of the two days, it was extremely helpful to have an overview of the entire adoption process so we knew where we were going.



Jim by the same pond

      Job Interview:  Part of our weekend was spent completing the necessary interviews for our homestudy process.  First, Jim and I met with our adoption coordinator, Kerrin to sign our contract and complete our profile.  Then we were interviewed together and separately by our social worker, Devon.  Both women were very warm and friendly, but we still had interview jitters.  We had already done the "hard" work of writing our autobiographies and filling out our questionares.  This definitely helped to prepare us for the interview questions, but the butterflies returned anyways (thankfully this time without the rocks).  We answered all sorts of questions about our childhood, our philosophy toward parenting, our educational and family backgrounds, our marriage and why we wanted to be parents.  Most of the information was already in the application and paperwork we had turned in, so I think part of the interview process was for our benefit- to help us begin thinking about how adoption would change our lives. 



Amy in front of the IAC

      Remembering back to that weekend, I think that over the course of the two days our nervousness subsided while our excitement began to build.  The first thing I did when we got into the car was call my parents, and then my sister and brother, and then Jim's family.  It was the weekend that the adoption process went from an idea to a reality.  We were on a journey (and still are) to becoming parents!  So while we wait for the first meeting with our baby, we look back to the first meeting with our agency where it all began. 



Our celebration dinner at Half Moon Bay

     

   

Buds Of Hope

Waiting for our rose bush to bloom

 

      I love roses.  I love the sweet smell.  I love the delicate petals.  I love the splash of color they add to our garden.  Each year when Spring arrives, I look forward to watching our rose bushes burst forth with new life and beautiful blooms.  This year, however, has been a test of patience.  First of all we had a cooler and wetter Spring than usual so everything is behind in growing (including our roses).  Secondly, we lost a few early blooms due to some hungry deer who thought our rose buds would make a tasty snack.  So here it is, middle of June, and we are still waiting for the first buds to open. 

     We water and fertilize the bushes.  We drag the pots out onto the sidewalk so they can soak up as much afternoon sun as possible.  We drag the pots back onto our patio at night to deter the deer.  We watch and we wait!  It would be tempting to give up and quit except for one thing- the buds!  The buds show that something is happening.  Some of the buds even show little glimpses of the colorful blooms to come.  The buds are the hope that the blooms we have been waiting for are not far behind. 
     It started me thinking about our adoption journey.  It too, has been a test of patience.  We don't know why we have waited so long.  We long for sweet baby gurgles and delicate little fingers and toes.  We long for stroller walks through the park.  We long for visits to see Grandma and Grandpa.  We long for the joy of parenthood and a long awaited prayer answered.  We long to have our baby home and in our arms.  And sometimes we wonder how much longer we will have to wait!
     I recently read a post from another waiting mom to be.  It was a post about giving up, losing hope, and wondering whether it was really worth it to continue the wait.  It was really sad.  Several members of the forum posted encouraging comments and I pray that she was able to regain her hope and continue on.  When life seems the darkest, that's when we need to cling even closer to God and the hope He has given us.

     Waiting isn't easy and Jim and I have had our dark days along the way.  But I am so thankful for the buds of hope that God so faithfully continues to send!   A song on the radio...an email from a friend...a sweet prayer offered on our behalf...a whisper to our hearts...these buds show us that something is happening, even if we can't see it!  New life is ready to burst forth not only in our garden, but also in our lives!  So we continue to watch and wait....and we are even more confident than ever before that our baby will be with us soon! 

       Wherever life finds you today, don't give up hope!
"And let us not be weary in well doing:  for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not."  Galatians 6:9

Our roses are now blooming!  There are new blooms to enjoy everyday.  I couldn't resist adding a few pics to last weeks blog:)  As our garden grows and blooms, so does our hope that our baby is coming soon!

Lessons from Kung Fu Panda II

A giant panda for the nursery (but not a Kung Fu Fighter)

 


     Life lessons come from all around us.  We might have a truth whispered to our heart through a song on the radio.  We might gain wisdom from the loving words of a close friend.  We might see a lesson played out in front of us at the mall or on our job.  We may even find lessons in unexpected places such as a Pixar animated film about a panda bear named Po. 
     Jim and I recently went to watch "Kung Fu Panda II."  We expected to enjoy Pixar's great animation (and we did!).  We expected a good storyline and lots of laughs (We were not disappointed).  But we were also pleasantly surprised with an adoption story that although sprinkled with a big dose of Hollywood drama contained some very good lessons about adoption.
     I should mention here that if you haven't watched the movie and plan to, you may want to read the rest of this blog later (unless you are someone who likes to know the plot ahead of time!)  For those reading on, here are the lessons we were reminded of.  

Lesson #1:  Adoption and secrecy do not belong together.

     In the story, Po the Panda, is now an adult living his dream of being the Dragon Warrior and an integral member of the Furious Five Kung Fu Fighters.  During a battle he has a flashback that makes him question his identity.  He later asks his father, Mr. Ping the Goose, about his origin and finds out that he was adopted as a baby.  This sets off a mini identity crisis for Po and he becomes obsessed with finding out about his birthparents and why they "gave him up."  Although the movie treats this adoption discovery with some humor (Po the Panda is raised by a goose but never suspects he's adopted and is shocked by the news), it warns against keeping adoption a secret. 
     In the U.S., adoptions used to be closed- meaning the adoptive parents and birthparents never met and were only given minimal information about each other.  Adoptive parents were told to raise the baby "as their own" and not burden the child with the news of adoption until he or she were old enough to handle it (if ever).  Consequently, many children did not find out about their adoption until their teen or adult years.  Like Po, they were shocked and began to question their identity.  "Who am I?"  "Where did I come from?" "Why was I given up?"  Today, adoption practices are much more open.  Adoptive parents are encouraged to make adoption a natural part of their child's birth story.  Birthparents and adoptive parents often meet and many families stay in touch after the birth of the baby.  With open adoption, the child is able to hear the loving words of why they were placed for adoption (often from the birthmother).  This helps to minimize feelings of rejection and abandonment.  There are no secrets and the child benefits by feeling loved and secure and by having the freedom to ask questions.

Lesson # 2:  All children have the need to identify with their roots/heritage.
     Po asks the questions that all children ask at one time or another "Who am I?" and   "Where did I come from?"   This is a natural part of growing up, whether an adopted or biological child.  Who we look like, where we get our talents, why we act the way we do?  These are questions we consider while growing up and forming our identity.  When a child is denied that information, he or she will often "fill in the blanks" with fantasies that range from fairy tale to tragic.  In the movie, Po has a dream that he meets his biological parents and they have traded him in for a radish.  The radish then beats him up and Po awakes disturbed and feeling rejected.  Information about and contact with the birth family helps prevent the need to "fill in the blanks" with fantasies.  Truth helps to build a foundation of loving reality.   Even when the birth family chooses not to remain connected, adoptive parents can share what information they do have and reassure their child that he or she is loved and was not rejected.  Not all pain can be avoided.  Po's story is tragic.  His parents are presumed murdered and birthmother saves his life by hiding him in the radish crate.  But although the truth is painful, Po still benefits from knowing the story of where he came from and realizing he was not replaced with a radish. 

Lesson #3:  Adoptive parents are real parents (and so are birthparents)!

     The adoption language is not always "correct" in the movie, but the message is clear.  Po's birthparents are real parents.  They loved Po, gave him life, and made the best choice possible for him (to literally save his life).  Mr. Ping is a real parent.  He raises Po from a baby.  He feeds him, comforts him, teaches him and loves him.  Children can experience love from their birthparents and adoptive parents without being confused.  Open adoption acknowledges this love.  It is not shared parenting.  The adoptive parents are Mom and Dad.  In the movie, this concept is reinforced when Po returns from his conquests.  He tells Mr. Ping, "I am your son" and they go off to cook together.  Po benefits from the knowledge of his birthparents; loving sacrifice, but Mr. Ping is still his dad!

Huge Spoiler Alert!!!!!  In the very end of the movie, we see that Po's birthfather is still alive.  This may pave the way for a Kung Fu Panda III and more exploration of adoption themes!

     Jim and I really enjoyed this movie and it reinforced our committment to open adoption.  We look forward to celebrating our child's heritage and to many, many tellings of his or her birth story!  We are so excited about becoming parents and pray every day that our match will come soon!

"WHEN I WAS A KID..." (PART TWO- JIM'S MEMORIES)

     Last week you heard my "When I was a kid..." stories.  This week it is Jim's turn to share some of his favorite childhood memories.  Again we promise no "walking to school through snow and sleet" references- just some of our favorite memories that we'd like to pass on to our child some day.  Enjoy! 




Jim at Easter when he was four years old


When I was a kid, I loved the outdoors...

     As a child, I spent hours each week hiking, exploring, bike riding and swimming.  If a tree was big, tall, or unusual, I probably climbed it.  Hemingway describes an old growth forest like a cathedral.  I experienced this often- the woods behind my home was truly a sanctuary for me.  From early ages I was refreshed by babbling brooks and mini waterfalls.  I am still refreshed by nature today.  Amy and I love to go hiking on one of the many trails near our home or take a drive up to Lake Tahoe for a mini escape.  I can't wait to pass on my love of nature to our child.  Sand, pine needles, and autumn leaves, I look forward to feeling these under my bare feet along with my child's small feet. 

When I was a kid, I loved holidays and family gatherings...

     When my brothers and sisters came home from college I always enjoyed spending time with them playing board games, watching movies, just sitting and talking for hours, no agenda, just family and friends spending quality time together.  I am the youngest of five children and was always fascinated by what my siblings (John, Peter, Heidi, and Becky) had to say about their lives away from home.  I still love to get together with family and friends on holidays.  Celebrations are always best when shared!  I look forward to celebrating with our child and introducing our child to as many friends and family as possible.


When I was a kid, our kitchen usually smelled like a baker's paradise...

     How many times did the aroma of fresh baked cinnamon rolls fill every room in our country home!  Strawberry rhubarb pie, pineapple upside down cake, peanut butter cookies (Man, I'm getting hungry!)-these are the smells I grew up with.  Mom was such a good cook.  If it could go in a casserole, she made it work.  And when she canned cherries or grape juice the smell coming from that kitchen was a thing of beauty.  Mom shared that love for good food with my siblings.  John and Peter have an appreciation of the finer things that years of being bachelors couldn't erase.  Both Heidi and Becky have become fantastic cooks in their own rights, this process began when they practiced on us all years ago!  And, of course, Amy is constantly making our apartment an inviting home by the love she puts into her creations.  Our child will be able to enjoy the sights, smells, and tastes of this paradise.

When I was a kid, I loved Christmas...

     Vibrantly colored gift wrapping dazzled my young eyes.  Life always seemed at peace whenever the tree was up, decorated with lights and our mismatched, but well loved ornaments.  Lights and scented candles were everywhere and mesmerized me year after year.  Hearing the story from Luke chapter 2 about a special  baby and His arrival brought joy to my world.  Giving of gifts and the enjoying of gifts given felt right in this happy context.  Christmas was a magical time and a time of togetherness.  How many board games did we wear out from use each Christmas!  How often I was warmed by hot chocolate and marshmallows after hours of sledding with friends or family on the hill across the street!

When I was a kid, I used to play sports with kids in the neighborhood...

     I can still remember every rut, hill, or mound on the field where we played.  Football, baseball, soccer- it didn't matter- the game was always fun.  Sometimes the neighborhood dogs would join in the play and new games would be created.  There was always a dirt path between my house and my neighbors and it was always well-worn!  As I got older, I traded the field for the basketball court, but I never lost my love of the game.  As a high-schooler I enjoyed volunteering as a soccer referee.  I look forward to refereeing, coaching, and/or cheering again someday when my child is playing.

When I was a kid, my dad taught me to garden...

     My dad always said the garden was the most naural place to feel close to God.  He showed me how to plant, fertilize, water, weed, maintain and finally harvest a sizeable vegetable garden.  I loved the smell of the tomato plants and the crisp pop of green beans fresh-picked.  One year I stood, overwhelmed by pride, as I saw several of my tomato plants towering over me- over six feet tall!  Money was tight in those days and I am sure we saved quite a bit by having a vegetable garden, but looking back I think my dad had other reasons.  Looking back I see not just a boy cultivating and growing a garden, but also a boy cultivated, raised, and shaped by his father's garden.  This is the legacy I ache to pass on to my child. 

When I was a kid, I learned to love music.  I had a growing hunger for knowledge.  I came to know God and began a relationship with God that has impacted all my other relationships for the rest of my life.  I learned to work hard, to play creatively and enthusiastically.  I learned not to be overly affected by what other people do to me, but to remember to "consider the source," as my dad used to say.  I loved to watch television, sometimes too much!  I enjoyed spending time with others and walking this journey of life together.  I really look forward to walking the road ahead with all the people in my life, and I look forward to a set of small feet coming with me on this road.